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Ride long enough and you’ll no doubt notice some things you would change about your equipment or the riding experience. The only hang-up is that, sometimes, those products and solutions don’t exist…yet. That’s why we came up with some products of our own.
THE FEED TRAY
RACING PROBLEM: Seen it happen. Side of the road. Musette appears. Soigneur distracted. Rider hungry. Hand off. Crash. End of race. Hotel that night. Anger. Mad stares. Shit massage.
CIVILIAN PROBLEM: Sunday group ride. 60 miles up and down. Blistering pace. Out of gooey stuff. Need consistency. Not enough storage for cheese and crackers. Mile 45. Dead tired. Bonked. Tears. Call home. No answer. Limp home alone.
SOLUTION: The Feed Tray. snack compartments. Slices the wind. Tilts easily. Can be made of carbon fiber or titanium. Needs refinement as food falls off if you aren’t silk on the bike. Nearly there though.
THE MAGIC SIPPER
RACING PROBLEM: Stocked up early. Bottles everywhere. Cages, pockets, down the bibs. Awkward and not aero. Soon, all empty. Heavy bottle grab from car. Couple of fines. Domestique. You’re poor. Can’t pay. Demoted.
CIVILIAN PROBLEM: Gravel ride. Stocked to the gils. Backpack. Satchel. Duffel bag. Liquid everywhere. Bike weighs 7o pounds. No backup. Shelves are empty. Gravel-Palooza a shit-show. Burn your number.
SOLUTION: Holds two giant bottles or two Tallboys of Old English or equivalent. Not compatible with Pabst or Hamm’s or any Marmalade Hazy Sour IPA from the hip brewery next to the cool Kombucha shop. Comes with visor and camera/light mount. If you run a trailer can directly plumb to a keg with extra long hose (sold separately). Still trying to work out overall weight. Tad heavy even with light beer.
THE STEM SHADY
RACING PROBLEM: Positioned for the Koppenberg. Legs are mediocre. Worked all day. At the front. Shift down, then up. Nothing. Can’t be the legs. Electric shifters to blame. Bush league. Rolling back. Farther. You’re a remnant. Criss-crossing. Fan favorite. Frites flying your way. Mayo, too.
CIVILIAN PROBLEM: Running 9-speed. Cat’s meow. Retro. Refined. Not really. Need more on the block. Need electric I guess. Someday. Is that a 21? Still at base of Gibraltar. Seems fine. Nope. Disadvantage. Blown out the back. “Meet back at the bar” shouted but not heard.
SOLUTION: On demand power. On demand turn down of rivals’ power, too, with press of a button. Easily tune into your dentist’s Campag EPS. He climbs like Pantani? Not any more. Back him off. Works with all electric gruppos. Fully wireless. Stem length limited to 140mm to fit all buttons.
“MORE BANG, LESS OLUFSEN” HELMET PHONES. (WORKING ON NAME)
RACING PROBLEM: In a breakaway. 200km with 5 other saps. Four mid-level names and Van Avermaet. Then three, two, then you and Greg. Legend. Good-looking. Palmarès a mile long. Manager screaming “Make a deal!” GVA’s having none of it. Knows you’re on the ropes. Easy sprint up the berg. Hands-up! Glory for him. Need motivation, not “Flavio’s” screams of “Venga! Venga!” Ear-piece pulled out. Kid’s table at dinner tonight.
CIVILIAN PROBLEM: Sunday ride by yourself. Pure joy. All kitted. “VibeZ” playlist ready. One earbud in. Other out for safety (and it doesn’t work). 20 miles in. Working earbud falters. Gone. In the bin. Whistle “Wonderwall” all the way home.
SOLUTION: Colaboration between Campagnolo and Bose. Italian-made. Leather outer and ear cups. Not wireless yet. Working on it. Could be several years for that. Nonetheless, blocks out annoying sound of birds and nature. Who needs chirps when you can listen to Earl Sweatshirt and bang out miles. Hurdle: overall, not safe and helmet heats up if you play Black Sabbath.